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| You know how it goes. One year ends, another year starts. A little of the usual, some of the not so usual, and a lot of the unknown. The future of worlds falling apart, and bits and pieces getting put back together again. I wonder if next year will bring us the trans-humanists of tomorrow creating cellphones to tell us where our favourite pair of knickers are in the morning so we don't have to think anymore. But while I'm curious as to what 2008 is going to bring us, I am more focused on what it is going to bring me. I think I'm glad to have made it through 2007. While I have finally made some sort of concrete foundation for my life, and stopped going mostly crazy in the process, I'm hoping the bones will work themselves out next year and focus on the things I should -- and want -- to do. Some of the goals I obviously had didn't really work out, while other thoughts I had earlier in the year are in full effect now. It's weird how that goes. To my disappointment, my Mum has decided to not give up just yet. While this is not totally a bad thing, it's not going to be easier for her next year, by any stretch. Although, in saying this, I am amazed with how well she is holding on to her life. She has always been a fighter, but unfortunately she will not be able to defeat this battle. Welcome, 2008. | ||||||||||
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Luci
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December 31st, 2007
June 12th, 2007
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| To be feeling that my life is less chaotic than I am used to is something I am still having trouble comprehending. Given that I am even trying to comprehend such a thing is another thing entirely, but I feel like I should be waiting for something bad to happen. Nothing has come close yet. It has been a long time since I have felt like I have the energy or the will to be creative, and yet with my state of being as I am at the moment, creative juices are starting to come crawling back after a long overdue period. I wake up feeling some purpose, I come home feeling slightly tired, but still motivated enough to have my artistic brain painting pictures in my head. I really could not have asked for much more than this. I have a few people to thank, and I do not think I could ever thank them enough, but I hope the handful of times that I have thanked them is enough to let them know I am so appreciative of what they have given me these last few months. I am feeling wonderful. To wake up feeling serene and living up to my name is such a joy, and while progress is being made of what I want for the days to come, I can only hope that life continues to be this wonderful. There are parts of life that could be better, but at the moment, dwelling on those things are not going to make them better, and will make me feel slightly worse - but I feel like I have the strength to accept these things. Just to remember how I was and how I am is enough for me to keep heading the way that I want to head, rather than the way I let myself lead. | ||||||||||
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December 12th, 2006
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| Despite the fact that everyone has started to get into the season spirit, I feel quite the opposite. In fact, I haven't honestly gotten into the spirit of Christmas, I haven't been in touch with my giving side, nor have I had any desire to feel motivated. Part of me has been lost due to the distinct lack of Christmas over the past few years. A holiday that I enjoyed. Our house at home was turned into something magical over the Christmas season. My Mum was fond of making Christmas the time of year to remember. She would decorate the house top to bottom with Santa adorning every corner you went past. She was even one of those annoying people that insisted on Christmas songs for parts of the day. We would light the candles around the fireplace at night, and when I was much younger, she would encourage me to feed the reindeer, put the milk and biscuits out, and make sure that I wrote a lovely letter to Santa. There was something special about Christmas that made my family look, for once, normal. No fights. No arguments. No dramas. No dysfunctional family to even catch a glimpse of - and be it only one day of the year, now a meaningless day of the year - there was something about it that I will never truly experience anymore with the people who took a good part of my life. Surprisingly enough, there have been requests that include my presence as being somewhat essential. My father contacting me, requesting that I come home for Christmas when Mum is home. My Nana asking me kindly if I might take her to Ashburton for the day to spend with her son's family. And yet, I'm still completely stumped as to what I will be doing for one day of the year. One day that doesn't really matter anymore. I'm just hoping that on Christmas day, instead of giving me gifts, Santa will bring me the friends who have supported me yet again over the year, good times, laughs, and a happy day for my closest friends. But most importantly, I'm hoping Santa will bring my Mum a happy, and somewhat memorable day, as she once did for me. | ||||||||||
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September 14th, 2006
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| It's so refreshing to feel spring bring changes. It's the time of year that brings warmth, opportunities, bright beginnings and happiness to me. Especially in the few past years that have been relatively cold due to the unusual temperatures that winter has brought us, I welcome spring with a smile every year.
And with a new season, comes another beginning for me. | ||||||||||
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July 12th, 2006
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| I'm reminded of what I am loosing every morning as I look into the mirror. Although, everyday, it just seems to get harder and be worse. I thought it was meant to get easier as time goes by, and I begin to accept the fact that I am loosing my best friend. But, that is anything but the truth. It's harder as time goes by. I was able to say anything to her, and she would accept and try to understand my reasoning for things. I would be able to tell her my darkest secrets and she wouldn't pass them on. She would take me for everything I am and not change a thing. All she would ever want for me is to be happy, and yet every time I think about her, my heart drops and lands in my stomach. How can anyone be happy when the person you considered you best friend is dying? I can try to be optimistic about her future, but that is setting myself up for hope, and in times like this - hope is fake. Hope does not exist in her future. Her body has declined in such a rapid manner that there is no turning back for her. Her body has been overtaken and has been eaten away, never to come back. Clenching her hands into a solid fist, she digs her fingernails into the palms of her hands, because her nerves are telling her to do. Sitting back in her wheelchair, pretending to watch the television - her favourite past time - she only now sees some moving blobs like an abstract painting. When she wears her glasses, it almost seems ironic. Eating - also an old past time - is now a tube stuck in her stomach, providing her with what looks like a chocolate milkshake as her staple diet. Now just a shell they are feeding to survive, I wonder how much she can remember. If she doesn't remember us, what will she have when she passes? As much as I know she is in a safe, well maintained and staffed hospice, she is only just clinging on. She is my best friend that I'm loosing. She believed in me. She has been dying since I was 14. She is my Mum, and I don't know when she will leave us. How is something like this ever meant to get easier, when it only gets harder? | ||||||||||
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May 15th, 2006
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| I'm not really handling anything of much that well lately. Things are getting to me. I had an accident. I need to take a step back and I need to really not let these things get to me. I have five things comforting me at the moment, and I can't get enough of them. Right now, the only things that I'm enjoying while sitting at my desk is the melodic sounds of Portishead tingling the emotion left inside me, the rain drops falling on the large glass windows in my office, and knowing that I can go home at the end of the day. Thank you to my friends. Thank you to Gold. Thank you for understanding. I didn't go see my Mum on Mothers Day. I feel like a horrible person. I can't wait to make a complete ass of myself at Survivor:Bunker. I was going to make a thought provoking post about the Grim Meathook Future, but I guess that will have to wait. ETA:(I'd just like to add, you guys fucking rock, and I don't know where I'd be without this encouragement. Thank you. So so much.) | ||||||||||
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March 22nd, 2006
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| Here's to those who thought you knew me, I'm like 36 views of Mt Fuji, ashamed of this way that I behaved, call me what you like. Part of me thought I was getting a point across, the other half felt uncomfortable, and vulnerable. Inadequate and insecure. All I wanted was for people to see where I was coming from, but all they were seeing was something that was more selfish - someone with wants and needs. This is the raw and real truth. This is the truth, with grunge and grit in the rust patterns. This is the years of age and decay, and this is the outcome. My efforts of being that person I want to be isn't that easy. I want to transform into someone that's better than this, but to do so I have to have the overview of my past wiped clean. Some things today are still with me to the point of it being a problem, a burden, a hindrance on my being a better person to live and cope with - but not only just me, also the people living with me, living around me, being a part of my life. I am ashamed of the way that I have behaved recently. In the past week I have been more paranoid than anything to what people might be saying about me. Why should I fucking care? It's raw and real truth. It's something I was conscience of doing and I am now paying for it. People talk. Consequences are not nice, but nor was what I was doing. To myself and to others. We are now gaining ground by this that you hear, call it what you like, call it what you like. If being a better person means changing some things about me, then so be it. Change the way that I am insecure. Alter my perceptions. Fiddle with my mind. Make it something that's new, that's going through a metamorphosis. Because there is no way in hell I'm going back now. I can't go back now. I'm like a nomad and this is my tribe. The people around me at the moment are my tribe. KAOS is my tribe. KAOS are my people. Everyone in my eyes is equal. They should be treated as such. I'm getting rid of the rust of my past and putting some new stuff in. Call it what you like. A mid-life crisis? A reality check? A metamorphosis? A transformation? Call it what you like. | ||||||||||
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February 9th, 2006
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| I see you, and I see the way you work so hard into being that person who lives in your head. Stop living in your head, and realize that being who you are is fantastic. I can't stress this enough - In fact, I'm an appalling hypocrite as I write all of this, because this is something that even I, myself, need to listen to. Take credit of who you are and what you do. There's not enough years that you're alive to see that you are what you make yourself. Stop looking at the mirror, stop looking at what you are on the outside. Look in other places. Only other people can see what you are, and only you see your faults. [There are so many people I'm thinking of as I write this] We can't help ourselves but to make ourselves better. To exceed at what we do, to show other people of how much we can change. It's en ego-boost to some, it's an encouragement tool to others. It's almost a challenge to yourself when you see friends or family meeting, or exceeding to be that goal in their head. There are so many things each and every one of us can take pride in. There are many things that we should take pride in, but we don't see it - Or we choose not to see it. Believe me when I say there is an eccentric bit in every one of you out there. A large majority of people want to be distinguished by what they do, or who they want to be -- That's how we define ourselves as a person. There is nothing wrong with this, and there will never be. The only thing that is wrong with it is to push yourself down to a level you are think you are at, when you are clearly wrong. Is this just something that people falter at? | ||||||||||
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January 22nd, 2006
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| Oh man. The alcohol fairy came to visit me last night. | ||||||||||
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January 17th, 2006
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| For those who have alzheimer's or who don't have telepathy skills; Sadly, I'm growing old and someone suggested I celebrate the fact. Since I apparently get this key to this door in the next week, I'm holding a meeting to discuss how to take over the world. This meeting will consist of a lot of flavoured ethanol (the local tribes call it 'alcohol'), loud music and flashing lights. To anyone who wants to partake in this said meeting, it will be held at a special rendezvous on the twenty-first of January. To find out the address of this special rendezvous, add your comment below and I will use the force to send you an email. | ||||||||||
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January 8th, 2006
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The me that you know he had some second thoughts I'm just glad it's all over. I'm glad it's gone. I'm especially glad I get to start off with a clean slate and rebuild what is left over. There's not much to say. There's not much to tell. Choose what to care about. Change what affects me. Cause and effect. I'm so much happier than I have possibly ever been. I won't go back now. | ||||||||||
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November 29th, 2005
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| I've noticed over the years that I seem to have an undying love for something that came to me just over the last few weekends. I love classic, black-and-white, 2 player boardgames. I was introduced to Go (also known as wéiqí) a few weekends ago. A game that uses black and white stones to compete for territory, and ultimately win the war; the war made up of many battles. The rules are very simple, but lead to many complex situations and possibilities. Once you start, you learn to think outside the square in a matter of minutes. You have to be aware and not forget to keep an eye on what's really happening. Most importantly, you are trying to get inside someones head. Learn their thinking patterns, try and see their technique. The thing is, with all of this going on, you can get caught out very easily. If you look at the picture too closely, you forget to see where the game could lead. After playing a few games of Go, I saw my technique. As much as I loved to try and play out my battles, I had to learn to resign myself to the situation when I took one step (or stone, in this case) too far. I didn't want to loose stones to my opponent. I needed to see where my battles would be pointless to play out, and leave them there on the board. And once the game is finished and the game is totaled up, an abstract picture of black and white stones sits there. Go seems to remind me a little of life. Putting yourself in situations that you might see as battles; it ultimately adds up to be something of a big abstract picture. You see stones placed upon the board - like people standing on a landscape. There are links along the board, other people that are connected in different ways to situations or battles. You might need them in the long run, and they hopefully stay on your side. Some are for support. You need these people close, they're the people that matter. They will help you where ever they can. Everyone placed on the board is there for a reason. You might slip up with some of them, and they might be gone in a matter of seconds. The picture at the end of it is a painted story. When I look at art, sketches, illustrations or photos - it paints a story in the back of my head. I see things from different angles. I try and piece the little subtleties in my head. There's been a few battles of mine that have been going on for a few months, some of them have been going on for years. A few battles of mine are more within my head than anything else - But for some of these situations, I have made steps to try and overcome these battles. One stone at a time. It all takes time, and step by step I'm getting there. Slowly becoming my own person. I'm slowly becoming me. | ||||||||||
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October 13th, 2005
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To what, you may ask? To our (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} goldboy, sethop and lucilu's) flat warming.Bring copious amounts of alcohol, drink till you can't remember diddly-squat, and do it all again! Starting midday Saturday this weekend till sometime-in-the-evening Sunday, we will be warming our flat with the assistance of our wood burner, a BBQ (hopefully) and you fine people that show up. If you're still there by Monday, we have the right to charge you rent. If you need any more information, or you would like the address, leave a comment here and I'll get back to you. On a sidenote: Thanks to mattmatt bringing my attention to Sigur Rós' new album 'Takk...', I have been in heaven since yesterday afternoon, bathing my ears in the pure essence that is Icelandic music.If you're interested in something a bit different, please do me a favour and listen to them. If you're only interested in visual goodness, I shall point you now to their brilliant music video, 'Glósóli'. *points* If you need even further pushing to watch this music video, scroll down the page to look at a few of the stills for the music video. buy the album, buy the album.. | ||||||||||
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October 2nd, 2005
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| Can you remember when you were a kid? Maybe you were easily entertained, making a fort out of assorted sheets and blankets, a few pillows thrown in for comfort. Maybe you'd let your imagination run wild when you would pop both ends of a box out, imagining that you would be someone from the Jetsons in your own little flying machine going to some planet that you made up in your spare time. Maybe you filled up most of your time playing Sega while waiting for your dinner to be ready. On Friday's, you knew that it was going to be Fast Food Friday - the most exciting part of your week. These days, you're grown up now. You're woken up by your alarm 5 days a week. You go to a 40 hour week job, filling up the days by finishing paperwork up, writing important emails or writing haiku's to keep yourself calm, knowing that you'll make your next deadline. I've lost something. I've lost something that I can remember used to be filled up so easily. I have so much I want to do, yet hardly any persistence. Sometimes I think that stuff like this will pass. But it never seems to. I love drawing, and I want to get better at it. Sometimes people find me doodling on a bit of spare paper at work, and then I put it away, feeling guilty that I'm not actually getting paid to doodle. I want to be able to save up enough money to buy a camera, to do what I think I'm good at again.. But I get sidetracked. Or there are more important expenses to be taken care of. There's plenty more of those sorts of examples. I've just lost something. I want to be a kid again, if only for the fact that I know that I had an imagination that would keep me entertained for hours on end. But I've lost those training wheels. I lost them sometime ago. I'm in the big person shoes now, doing what everyone has to do sooner or later. But how can people do so much? I feel tired everyday. The weekends somewhat get me down because I have nothing to keep me occupied. To stop me from thinking. There's so much around us. There's plenty of things to do without needing to spend money. All I need is to step outside. I know stuff is there, but it doesn't keep me occupied. I'm still thinking about so much whenever I go for a walk. I want to stop thinking, to let it be pushed away for some moments so I can have fun. So I can feel alive. I know whenever I write things like this in my journal that have been mulling around in my head for a few weeks, fermenting, if you will, that someone will have an answer. That I know the answers will come. Sometimes I even know the answers. I usually would let a post like this subside and rest. Knowing that feelings like these will go away. Not this time. It's written down now. Fuck. Time for a chip sandwich. | ||||||||||
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September 19th, 2005
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| The weather never ceases to amaze me. It's snowing in spring. | ||||||||||
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August 18th, 2005
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| I'll put it simply to those who are reading right now. ( I'm fucking angry. )
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July 7th, 2005
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| Reflection is an important thing that tends to pass me whenever I need to do it the most. It's something that I never seem to be able to have to time to do though, but thankfully I was able to collect my thoughts about the weekend recently without work and mood swings interrupting my thought process. I had a lot to reflect on the passing weekend. The expectations I had previously had for the weekend had totally been blown out of the water less than 2 hours into the party. A somewhat surprising and uncertain encounter with a person I considered to be a friend was to make my night a bit more interesting. Needless to say, I gave up all other expectations for the rest of the weekend on this one encounter. Throughout the night I was passed by people who I consider to be real friends. The type that are trustworthy and who give me a chance to talk. I can't seem to even express in words how much all of the support that was given to me throughout the whole weekend by these people actually means to me. If it weren't for these select few people (and I'm sure you know who you are), I know I wouldn't of able to have dealt with it like I did. It's given me something to think about. Something to reflect upon. A different light was cast over some individuals at the party. I was able to see another side I wouldn't normally see. Understandably alcohol and/or drugs could have made this possible and may have made people that much more honest and upfront (or completely whacked and frivolous) - But it was something I needed to see and be exposed to. If I hadn't of been there, I may not know of what I was really setting myself up for in the long run. Another experience, another lesson to learn from. Let us move on, live and grow. | ||||||||||
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May 17th, 2005
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| All I needed to hear was one thing. One thing that changed me, and the way I saw other things that had been slotted into place in my life. I've been waiting for a while to hear some sort of explanation to a lot of things. I've wanted to hear some sort of meaning other than the number 42. I was told that things were going to change, and were consequently going to change the way I saw things, but I wanted more meaning behind the thing that mattered to me the most. "So break it down, make the things smaller." Breaking it down seems to be a bit harder in my head, but hearing this one thing totally changed the way I see things. One thing that made me understand many little things. One thing that made me content and satisfied for once. How could one thing be so simple to understand? Why didn't I think of it sooner? An immediate change was apparent. I was able to relax, to be put in my place. To finally be stopped in my tracks with no countering question. I was finally able to sit back and be satisfied enough to just let everything go. Nothing seemed to matter as much anymore. I was able to put everything into context. Everything seemed manageable, and actually had meaning. There was no bullshit, no lies - Just a way of looking at it. It was almost (and possibly is at this stage) a coping mechanism for me. A very logical coping mechanism at that. Yet something says to me it hasn't quite sunken in yet. When it does, will I have more questions? ... Uncomfortable uncertainties are straining my thoughts and thinking patterns more so than I would have expected 2 months ago. Mind you, given the fact that some of the considerable changes I have undergone might be turned upside down once again, it can be understandable on some level. I want to feel secure on more than one level at any one time - just for some moments. It's so hard to try and settle when there is so many things stirring patterns around me. I want to feel comfortable, I just can't see how I can at the moment. Soon - Soon I will feel comfortable. I don't have to wait long. For the mean time, my support - or - comfort blankets, if you will, are right here. | ||||||||||
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March 12th, 2005
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| This is probably worthy of a post. I think. I got the job. Yay. I am a slave to the wage, now. (Look at all that disposable income, and how!) (By the way: If it wasn't for Lana telling me about the job, I wouldn't of even probably come across it. So. Hugs and love to Lana. You're brilliant. <3) Thank you to everyone for the support. And now, I shall enjoy my last weekend as a bum. | ||||||||||
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March 8th, 2005
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| Just to think all the pretty things that have been laid out for me to see have danced and made me smile. I have had a wonderful, uplifting, surprisingly good few weeks. I can say this with no guilty conscience. I can say this with a smile on my face. I'm apparently no robot. Move along people, nothing to see here... I've been reminded why I'm here, why you can rely on (some) people, and what's in it for me. Everyone's different. We have options, we're all different. I drink my Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows. I like drinking beverages out of mugs. I prefer a meal at Denny's over a night in a bar. But getting back to it - I sat down behind a tree where no one could find me and I did what I do best. Looked at the sunset while people were out there, socializing.. I was watching clouds being moved across the sky, and the light reflecting across street lights and windows. I listened to the birds in the tree's ruffling their way back to their nests. They were the only ones to find me out. Somehow after all of that, I knew where to put myself on that endless map, into that realistic outlook of where I am right now. I had an epiphany. I need to draw her. The one that reflects me the most, I will get time to draw her. I will draw her. If I got to live in a world like her's, it would be everything and more. I dream of things like that. Bright, vivid beautiful things. Butterflies. Petals.. Sidetracked once again. Thank you to all the people at the First Party. I had been holding out for it for a while to say the least. It was good. I was fucked by the end of it (and not literally I might add (I've been hearing rumors.. *smirks*)) but it was a good fucked. Thank you Gold for the shots. Thank you to Dan Dan Engineering Man, Dopp, Mr. Blue Meanie himself, Morbid, Lana, Robin, Kathi and a bunch of others that I can't think of for sitting down to talk to me. I actually felt comfortable talking about me for once. (Maybe that was alcohol related. Bring on the Absinthe.) Most importantly, thank you to our Glorious Dictator and her wonderful Politburo for the great job they did. Hail Eris! Before I go : For those who are wondering. I went to my job interview today. I did a practical. Fingers crossed. Feeling confident. It felt comfortable. I felt good. ... I want it to rain again. "Running with my rain face on..." | ||||||||||
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February 8th, 2005
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| "If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?" I was so paranoid with one little thing that didn't even make sense to me. I felt like a different person. I wasn't there. I was going through a mindfuck and I couldn't even control it. Flailing around in bed, rolling over from side to side and realizing that no matter how much I would try and change that thought - It wasn't going to happen. It's the dream that changed that. Another reoccurring dream. I have a handful of them. The one with me getting chased and then my only way out is jumping into a dumpster. The one where I'm in an old car in the back. I'm in a riot. And somehow I get killed. Or the one with the anchor and some big, burly man ties me to it and throws me in.. There's too many. Too many to count. You see, I've heard from people that the dreams you get killed in, are a sign of new life. New hope. I never saw it that way. Ever since I was a little child, I would wake up in cold sweats wondering why the boogieman was out to get me. Wondering why I was the person people had to chase. Wondering what I had ever done wrong. Most of the time it wasn't me doing the wrong, though. I was too innocent and naive to realize that but it was my Dad putting me into that vulnerable position. Dreams reflect life. Reflect the day. Reflect the subconscious. Dreams also, somehow, make a change slightly in how I live my day. So I am a hopeful being, sitting down everyday knowing what infomercials will come on when. What products I will need to buy to change my life. How much I'll need for a revitalized new me. I will be preached to by Dr. Phil about how people are excited about their life. Judge Judy swings down her vocal gavel and makes me smirk while people winge. "And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom." I can't hope for anything anymore. I will pick up the hand of cards, I will nod, and throw some away, to pick some new ones up. Some won't be pretty. But I'll handle them. You'll see. ..Doesn't mean to say I can't break in places. People aren't perfect. I'll fucking fight this fucker till the end. "Just, fucking.. be happy, okay?" "I'll try." "No trying. Just do." "Alright." | ||||||||||
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January 24th, 2005
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| Jesus. Another year to be celebrating what? Life I guess. Woohoo. Go Lucinda. You're still here. Who woulda thunk it. And just to think I've gone most of the weekend without anybody knowing either. I bet it'll be the same today. *glee* So jovial. (Points to people who even have the faintest idea what I'm on about.) | ||||||||||
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January 2nd, 2005
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| For once, I'm keeping this entry short. Happy New Year to you all. I hope you all accomplish what you want, or need to accomplish. I hope you all at least have one resolution in the back of your head. It's not so much trying to forfill the resolution, but knowing that you had the initiative to try and make one to better yourself. I had a good time at the party, even with the few hiccups on the way. Thank you to all who entertained me, and kept me going. And especially thank you to those who gave me a hug or two. It was much appreciated. As some of you might know, I'm not that easy to contact much anymore. I'm hoping that will change shortly. I'm not even that sure if I'll have a cellphone soon, but here's hoping things will look up. I don't know how long it's going to be for me to understand that things will get better. I'm scared. I'm trying to be positive about this year but with what has happened over the last few months I don't know how positive I can or should be. I'm hoping I don't slip and fall. | ||||||||||
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November 18th, 2004
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| It's taken a turn for the worse. As they say, we're all on a ride. One with flashing lights, pretty architecture and loud music. But it's only when you get on that ride when you truly feel the impact of your destiny. Unfortunately, the analogy above is used all too often. It's just a ride. And we're all on one. Everyone's rides are different sizes, have different climaxes and different effects. Some are good, some are bad. We all get off rides sooner or later, and then hop on another one. We might not be happy with the consequence, but that's what life is all about. Not getting what we had thought we would get. And I guess, sometimes, that's the love/hate relationship with living life. We'll encounter things that we didn't bargain for. That we didn't expect. But we all try and come through in the end. I'll tell you, I didn't think it would turn like this though. All unexpected, and I still feel the fault is mine. My Nana fell out of her bed on Wednesday morning, and broke her femur. The longest bone in the body thing. She broke it. Fortunately, when I came home the fire service men and the ambulance ladies were in the process of calming me down and offering me a stiff whiskey while still working on my Nan. Amazing. As most of you might be aware of, I'm unbelievably close to my Nan. She is like my only saviour in times of need, and this is a time when I felt I had let her down. I wasn't there to catch her fall, I wasn't there to call an ambulance and be a supportive grand-daughter. I felt horrible, absolutely devastated that my life had gone crashing down further. .. it's just a ride ..I was there when she was wheeled in the ambulance though, and I was able to give her a kiss and run my hand across her forehead and cheek. For that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful I called and someone else picked up and told me to come home right away. I was able also to thank the fire service once again. For the fact they had turned up to our place a second time, thankfully for a totally different situation. People are here in the world to support. We have friends to support us. If we don't have the help of friends, we have similar round friends named trees. We can hug trees. People were here to support me. To help me, ask me if I needed anything, asked if I needed help. There are, sadly, some things that can't be helped with during times like these. There are probably also some questions to be raised at times like these too. .. it's just a ride, why make it hurt more? .. it's just a ride.. Some things will never cease to amaze me to this day. And, so close to Christmas too. I think, on the upside, I'll hopefully be able to say something to my grand-kids when I was 19. I can express the extreme amount of pain through the times of later teenage-hood and explain how you can't try and be the norm with everyone else. How everyone's situations are different and how you have to accept that. Some things come later in life, some things will always be like that. Do you think if we all knew when we were going to go through puberty at the same time for each individual, do you think that'd be normal? Hanging around hundreds of thousands of women going through PMS. Men are thankful this doesn't happen. .. it's just a ride ..
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October 12th, 2004
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| Curled up in the corner of a cafe on a small wooden chair, in view of only a few - I sit with a warm Vanilla Latte clasped in my hands tight, eying my prey over the foamy top of my coffee. I take no notice to the flickering light above me, or the sound of the cash register popping in and out. The dull murmurs in the back of people talking about their friend's friend who had a baby, or how a famous figure died don't bother me either. I can hear all of that, but it's not that that truly interests me. It's the people without a voice. The people who hovering over the streets, or walking into the place where I reside where it really matters to me. It's also the people who happen to be there that matter - not the small talk or the humming of the drum and bass beat in the background. See, I like to sit in corners by myself. I like knowing without knowing. Observing the few people that will walk by the windows of the coffee shop, knowing what who they are even by the way they stand. You can notice little different habits or ways of people and the way they hold themselves and it all means something. You don't need to speak to a person to at least know something about them. It's all about observation. I came to realize recently that it is all about people. It's all about us. If it wasn't then we wouldn't have much outlook, would we? I also came to realize that I'm far more observant than I give myself credit for. I never realized I did this. I never realized I went out with my subconscious closely keeping in mind that there are people to watch, people to see. It's not even in the way that most people would look either - You would think that I would be doing this to find a partner, a 'mate', if you will. But it's a sense of knowing them, and knowing me. It's to know where to put myself on the grand scale of things, the huge map that everyone is placed on. It's to see how much we all change from being a toddler to a kid, a teenager to an adult. An adult.. to being in a midlife crisis with a sports car. Without knowing people, how are we supposed to know society? I think sometimes.. even most of the time, we loose perspective on where we see things. I guess I've just rekindled the big picture for me. I know that somewhere in there, this is something that is supposed to be there in that big picture. | ||||||||||
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September 6th, 2004
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| Drowning myself in a sea of healing waters, and I see no birth of new hope or life inside me. What is wrong with me? I immersed myself in things that I thought would somewhat make me feel happier, in a safe and sweet place. I feel so uncomfortable, so caged inside my own being. I want to try and find a comfortable space with myself but no matter how hard I seem to try, I can never find that space. Is it really this hard to adjust to things that society takes on board everyday, and lets it slide off like water off a ducks back? Something is not right. Something is not getting through to the hollow, that void inside of me. I feel so uncomfortable knowing that I'm still not satisfied. I want for one second to not feel like this. In a lot of ways, I'm wanting to hermit again. To hide away from all the good stuff that has been happening to me. Is my subconscious telling me I have opened myself too much to too many people? Why am I feeling this vulnerable to so many people around me? I can feel myself wind up slowly like one of those old toys, ticking everytime you turn the handle. Feeling the tension, turning it and knowing that if you turn it one more time, it will all break and fall apart. Smiles spark in me from the simple things in life. From the dancing monarch butterflies leeching the nectar from the daphne bush, to the brightly coloured daffodils opening up waiting for the sun to kiss their brightly coloured petals. Why can't life be a little more simpler in theory? Maybe I'm far too much of a thinker and dreamer in all that I do. I'm not driven for things that most others are today. I'm not living and leeching off society, yet I'm playing society's game. I only seem to find comfort in the simpler things that people only will take a glance at. I guess it's only a small disappointment that there are not enough small things to keep the void inside of me filled to a point where I am content with the way everything is working out. Ah, like I say. A dreamer can dream. | ||||||||||
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August 9th, 2004
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I was driving alone on a cold and dark misty night, and I blinked. My eyes felt tired, but as I opened them, there was a cigarette burn in the top right corner of my vision. I blinked again, but it had gone. The change-over had passed. Maybe I was hallucinating? Or maybe this is a film that I'm acting in the middle of my head. There has been flashes of people here and there. An odd lighting occurring in my vision. I keep asking myself.. "Is this real? What's happening to me?". I'm too afraid to speak about it, but why? Have you ever questioned the existence of the real life world we play in? I was thinking about this in depth after the cigarette burn incident - I was curious. Are we all just actors in a worldwide production? Really, we act every day of our lives, and to those of you who don't agree, ask yourself this. Have you ever lied when doing such a simple thing as buying a bottle of milk? You walk up to the counter, and you try and put on a fake smile. The lady at the counter asks how you've been, and you say the same thing over again. "Oh, yeah. I'm not too bad, thanks." I know plenty of people who do it without even knowing it. Some people do it for many different reasons, but we have to slip in a little white lie somewhere. Maybe we really don't want people to know how our day has gone. Maybe they just wouldn't understand. Perhaps you don't want to bring their mood down with a simple suggestion that you feel like shit and you really don't want to deal with people at this time of day. Somehow though, my experiences recently feel too much like a case of déjàvu. I have a quirky feeling that this all has something to do with my perspective on life at the moment, and maybe a simple thing like this is supposed to try and wake me up and smell the coffee. Do I brush this off my shoulders, call myself medically insane and smile while dancing with the butterflies today? | ||||||||||
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July 17th, 2004
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| It was raining. I could hear the pattering on my window, I could almost feel the power of the rain shaking the panes of glass. I remember rolling over to touch one of the windows and my hand was taken with it, I could feel the liquid window wrap around my fingers. I wanted to go outside. I saw a bright blue light outside, I felt like I needed to get to it. It was in the middle of a paddock somewhere, I could almost feel like it was calling to me. My eyes kept drawing to the clouds, the fury, the angry clouds. They wanted to stop my decision to go outside. I needed to go.. I was standing there on the front steps and I could see the clouds getting a deep shade of green, with a slight tinge of blue here and there.. My hair was getting wrapped around my neck, it almost wanted to pull away from my head. The wind was so strong, whispering in my ears, almost trying to haunt me. The weather was telling me what I was doing was wrong. I wasn't supposed to have woken up, I wasn't supposed to have been there.. I start walking closer to the box of blue light, I'm getting closer, so close and then the ground starts shattering beneath me. It wants to pull me down, it wants to stop me. There's a gust of wind and I see the clouds forming into shapes and patterns. I feel like they're trying to say something. As I look down to my feet again, I see my right foot is being engulfed by the dry cracked earth, and as I look up for one last time, all I see is a wave sitting overhead to drown me. I wake. I've been feeling so overwhelmed with so many emotions lately. It almost feels like I can't grab a hold and take my life, my emotions, lay them out on the table, and connect everything up to where it's supposed to go. I'm hoping that things can settle. I know it might take a while, since the things that have happened in the time of my last update have been somewhat life altering. There are still a lot of things to be explained for I feel. I can't quite understand how things can turn badly on a regular basis. Is it the way I'm setting my life, or looking at things? Is it the somewhat pessimistic view I have had as of late led me to situations that turn out to be not desirable? I have to work on a few things. I know this. I know that a lot of the time I am very unsure of what's happening to me. This, taken in more than one sense. I need to learn to be wise. Or does that just go hand in hand with age? Whatever the case, I guess we can't all be brain surgeons and rocket scientists yet. Then where would the fun be? | ||||||||||
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June 26th, 2004
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 We are all evolving. Everyday of our lives. You might be oblivious to it all, but everyday our body, our mind, our perspective changes. Maybe the smallest amount we might see something in a different light. Maybe we actually see something for the first time. I have seen myself recently change. It could be good, it could be bad, but I can feel it. It's not in the way I have been acting, or in the way that I have been talking. It's been nothing physical, but more mental. I have been thinking, and oddly, most people know me for my thinking. Most of the time it's bad thinking.. But I don't think this time it would be perceived as bad. I have seen new things, and I have taken a new interest in the things around me. We are all like the seasons. We all have certain qualities that we adapt to. I know most of the time I feel like I'm a lifeless meatsack drifting along with life. I might make a change in someone, I might have an affect. But I didn't truly know how I did that. A lot of people know that I don't think of myself highly. I don't hold myself in high regard, or feel like I mean anything. I still have to try and understand some things though, even though my stubborn mind doesn't want to budge from the rut it's resting in right now. I don't expect people to see me as a different person, because I'm not. There's something there though that's there. That's evolving. I can't even really say what it is, but I know it's waiting there for me. I just have to pick it up and run with it. I'll find it eventually, and I'll be scared because I won't know what to do with it. But I know I'm on a journey. A never ending journey to find myself. Even though we watch the stars at night, they also watch us... | ||||||||||
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June 7th, 2004
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| Holy hell I'm updating again. This is breaking my one-post-a-month routine, which should scare you all slightly. In fact, I'm updating this for a very good reason. I got a lot out toni.. this morning, talking to a complete stranger. And now this complete stranger has told me I should write about it, because it's far too rare that I have written a mildly happy post. To think that I was feeling numb at 8pm last night to mildly happy now is quite an achievement. You know, it was good to get some things off my chest. There wasn't all the stuff that I would usually talk about, but it felt somewhat good. I needed to get it out. The thing is, the same old stuff builds up, so for most people I would be like a broken record player, but to said stranger, I wasn't. The much more overly cute thing was I couldn't help but start to blush throughout the entire conversation. I am happy it makes me squee like Filler Bunny. It feels odd because I'm normally good at being just like this floating meatsack. In fact, lately I think more people have been there which makes me feel very confused. I'm used to all this invisible-person-in-the-background. I'm used to people just nodding away while I talk, but now I feel like I am meaning something to more than just complete stranger. There is plenty of goodness around. There is complete stranger. There is old-school friend Sass who is being so sweet to me. There is art-boi in America who has his unbelievable talent at making me actually open my eyes for the first time. There is slothy-photo-man who makes me feel all squishy inside. There is HardDrive's! There is morbidly curious people, there is Cat-Tishness and Hamsters everywhere. There are even more I could mention, but just know that for one second it's all made me have a food-for-thought moment this morning. Squee! I can tell that you want me to wear a bee-suit. I know this because I know all things that make you happy. I make you happy. Yes? Yes. </p> WITNESS ME IN BEE FORM. You want corn? I give you corn. So much corn do I give. I like corn. | ||||||||||
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June 1st, 2004
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| I feel like I have wanted to update my journal for weeks now. Every time I login onto the LiveJournal page I think.. "I really want to write something" - I sit, and I stare.. I start to think again. I figure that all the stuff here is like I'm putting myself on a broken record player, talking about the problems over and over again. I'm lost as to know what to do anymore. I am confused and unsettled. I want to know that there is something that I can do, but I've lost all hope. I've lost that bright tunnel of light. I know there might be something there, but I just don't know where yet. I was walking in the mall yesterday to get a few things off the grocery list, and as I continued to walk back all the sounds faded from my ears. Every single bit of noise, all the talking, the background music, the workmen.. All that noise was gone and for one second everything stopped. I looked around at all the people. I wondered.. "Why are they here? Why do they bother like I do?" - And now I can't get it off my mind. I kept thinking about it to the point of tears. I woke up with the same thought in my head. I don't know how to slow down the thoughts, it just keeps coming back. Love. Relationships. Money. Having a nice car. Winning Lotto. Being a millionaire. Being a star. Being financially stable. Having a dream job. Being happy. I still don't get it? I have lost all hope. I'm feeling so disjointed. So off colour. I've wanted to draw but all the thoughts I have in my head are frantic. Scary. Knifes and blood. It's like I'm going manic but I look sane to everyone else. I know I'm still here though. I don't want to update this but you know what? I couldn't care less anymore. Fuck everything. Just fuck it. | ||||||||||
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May 3rd, 2004
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| What the hell is up with life lately. My Dad left for a 3 week business trip to China on Saturday. Great I thought. He's going to be gone, and I'm going to be happy. No more boundaries for 3 whole weeks. No more yelling. No more screaming. No more abuse. But life has to get in the damn way again. What's with that? Since he's been gone, I've been somewhat troubled. I don't know why. I've been angry and frustrated and I think I'm blaming it on people who aren't responsible. I know it's not PMS, so what the hell has to fuck up the 3 weeks that he's away for? I mean truely life. Give me a damn break. For what it's worth though, I guess I have been out and about. I got invited to my friend's birthday party, just a nice comfortable group of 3 and we had a blast. At least mostly for me. I kept thinking about a person, and I kept staring off into nothingness and kept on thinking about said person. Typical me- who doesn't stop thinking. Never the less, we had a good time playing pool, and drinking some. I requested a song for the birthday girl, and all was smiles at the end of the night. Or at least, 4:30 in the morning. I also went to another friend's birthday party about 3 or so weeks ago. Vic had a nice Fetish Ball 21st Birthday party, and it was hilarious. I'm glad I went, I met some 'interesting' people dressed up in more-than-interesting attire. Then again, this coming from the girl who was a PVC-Clad dominatrix looking girl (as many dubbed 'the prostitute'.) Oh, and before I leave. I have been drawing some. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing, but I keep being too scared to show anything. So for once, someone can have a peek at what I've been drawing. I know it's not the best, but at least praise my neat Blue Col-Erase. .. (cue another 3 months until posting something else. Unless someone bribes me really well. *cough*) | ||||||||||
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April 6th, 2004
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| How many of you value your morals highly? If there is something that you think is wrong, do you do everything in your power to voice your opinion? To make sure that you're heard? I've tried voicing my opinion on a matter recently, and it's all turned out horribly. For one, the person I tried to voice my opinion to blatantly ignored me. Secondly they decided to shove it in my face and suck everything they can out of me to make their situation better. Thirdly they make me sleep poorly for a week because I can't stop worrying or hurting over said thing. As most of you might know, I have a lot of morals. Maybe that's good, or maybe that's bad - But I view it as a traditional thing. I was brought up with a lot of morals that I chose to take under my belt, and since my upbringing I have decided not to change them - even though I have encountered situations that have me possibly tempted to change them. But I value myself, and my morals. I don't think I could live with myself if I chose otherwise, simply because it'd put me into a horrible mental state. What I probably don't understand though is the reasons why some people change their morals when a certain situation crops up. No matter what though, now I'm living with something I view as horribly wrong. No matter if society makes it an 'okay' thing to do, I feel trapped because now I've been silenced and blackmailed. I feel like it's affecting more than my emotions, but it is also affecting my physical and mental self. I'm wondering if I should go to the Doctor to get some Valium. Some of you who read my journal will have no idea what I'm talking about, and at the end of the day I think I need to keep this matter private. Some of you who get to deal with me everyday know what I may be talking about, most who read this journal don't. I apologize if you're totally confused by the above post. If it does make any sense at all I really don't know. I really just need to speak, to be heard. Because right now, there's a lack of that. I'm silenced in this cage right now, so to speak. I need to be freed. | ||||||||||
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March 12th, 2004
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| I've been absolutely at my wits end lately with confusion to what I will do in my future. It's been bothering me greatly, seeing there's so many points and factors with so much history behind them all - that I don't think many would understand or see the problems into what might, or will happen when things change around here. I've got a lot to worry about. Dad has changed his opinions and has been like a masked beast all this time. I've noticed only in the past few weeks that my father is deceiving - He has so many masks he can pull on and off at any one time to pull the strings and emotions of any one person he might know. Lately though, he's been a conniving bastard, for lack of any better words. He's been pulling everything to make sure his way will be the only way things are done, and it's hurting Nana and I the most. Typically as most might know, women are there to do the dirty work behind the scenes. I don't mind doing the dirty work, as long as I'm at least thanked - But I'd be pushed to get that out of my father now. He's manipulating every situation to get the best that he can out of it. If I say I don't want to do something for him, merely because he could get off his fat ass and do it himself, he'll turn the situation around and tell me he'll take _my_ privileges away, such as my car, or m |